Prelims has had that effect and I can already count several lessons learned through the process. I'm thankful that in a time of feeling swamped with academics and flailing in all other aspects of life that I find my faith and relationship with God to be growing and not standing stagnant as I would have predicted. Again, it shouldn't be surprising that when I feel most at a loss that I cling to Him in the way that I should regardless of circumstance.
One of the lessons that has hit home the most during this process so far is that of worth. A couple weeks ago, I ran into a friend at the library where we were both working on our proposals. I stopped to ask how it was going. She gave a little shake of her head and we both laughed at this crazy process we found ourselves in the middle of. As we discussed the upcoming oral exams, it was obvious that she was worried, nervous, and completely overwhelmed. I'd been there before, and it was through those times that I talked myself through it by thinking about the worst case scenario. I shared with her what I thought that was. The worst case scenario was obviously failing and being kicked out of the program, but I know what kind of student I am and she is, and that seems highly unlikely for either of us. So the next worst case is looking stupid in front of our professors. That's it. Definitely not the end of the world. She looked at me, still very upset and said, "But I am stupid, so I am afraid of looking stupid in front of them." I know this girl; she is by no means stupid. I've been in classes with her and she's quite bright and intelligent. I assured her of this, but she didn't look convinced.
That was when I began thinking about the difference between us. Yes, there are some self-esteem and confidence issues that come into play, but at the root of all of it is worth. Regardless of how I do on my prelims, pass or fail, with flying colors or just scraping by, impressing my committee or making them second guess my intelligence... regardless of these circumstances that committee does not decide my worth. My worth as a PhD candidate maybe, but not my worth as a person. My worth comes from the identity that God instilled in me, from creating me in his image to the Spirit living inside of me. He knows my heart. He does not base my worth on how much or how little biochemistry or genetics I know. Because I know where my true worth comes from I can step into that examination, leave my pride at the door, and humbly accept the outcome whatever it may be. I still have to remind myself of this daily, sometimes hourly, but it is the truth. My friend doesn't know Christ and doesn't understand this. For her, her intelligence, her career as a scientist... these are the things she finds her worth in; no wonder she is overwhelmed with concern for the upcoming exams.
So as we continue on, I'm praying for her and for myself that we know where our worth comes from and in that we find security that can only come from God.
How can you believe if you accept praise from one another, yet make not effort to obtain the praise that comes from the only God? John 5:44
Are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from the will of your Father. And even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. So don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Matt 10: 29-31
With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. 2 Thessalonians 1:11
I have not much to offer You, not near what You deserve
But still I come because Your cross has placed in me my worth.
